I was dragging my feet, feeling sad. Another interview-2 days plus travel this time- without the decency of a response. Then I had to fly “home” again. My father was sick and within the week he was gone. Just like that the man that fostered my habit for reading and learning, and so many other things, was gone from this world. I struggle with this blog. How much information do I really want to put out there into the ether? I really don’t know. I will say that as I sat with my father in the hospital not knowing which way his health would turn, thinking about the future was ludicrous and impossible. And that feeling of not being able to plan for something, of just being in the present was stifling. Perhaps it was because I was faced with such an uncertain outcome but I wondered if all the raving about “being in the present” is correct, not being able to think about a future was not liberating at that moment, it was stifling.
I have no lessons from this…for now. I have no new-found energy to make life count. I just am; just moving forward step by step, one step at a time without knowing where it will lead because this recent path of the last few years has taken me in circles and finally left me in a confusing wilderness with no indication of where I may turn. Passions, interests, hobbies…all that is one big jumble of nothingness. So I have to get up and just start walking somewhere one step at a time.
savagezen 