i robot :/

The sloth, the dragging feet, the procrastination….My new theory is that j*b se*rching, like searching for a lost item, must be done and concluded rather quickly, otherwise your likelihood of finding said j*b or item drops precipitously. This is easily explained for j*b se*rching requires a series of onerous, nerve racking, thankless tasks that no sane human being would like to have prolonged exposure to. Like searching for a lost item, the longer time lapses, the more you forget the original reasons for the search, the original steps you took to come to this decision that is now inflicting so much “ugghhhh” in your life.

I am now avoiding my j*b se*arching responsibilities like the plague. Washing dishes is more important, going to acupuncture is more important, walking the dog is more important. Some days I declare “Off” days in which I don’t have to do any required duties. This is laughable because the only difference is that I don’t “worry” about the j*b se*rch on “off” days nor do I have that little voice in my head that says “Well you should be doing something”.

I have tried many tools to break out of these times–giving myself “points” for actions taken, setting minimum “goals” of actions to be taken, setting more “structure” to my days. They sometimes work well for the first few months of job searching but as the search now drags on way past what I was prepared for it gets harder and harder to rev up the engines. “Maybe you need a break”, I’ve heard from two people. My life IS a Break! So I shouldn’t complain right? I didn’t quit my job to waste my time away. “But whose fault is it now?”, says that little voice in my head.

I recently found solace in a wonderful piece on raptitude.com : The frightening thing you learn when you quit the 9-5. While I’m not trying to quit the 9-5 permanently, not yet anyways, it did make me wonder if I’m ok with being a robot that requires someone/something else (parents, school, job, boss) to give me direction and purpose rather than declaring my own. I’ve always prided myself on liking structure and finding purpose in the 9-5. I thought I was just a hardworking individual. But the article made me wonder. Am I just being a robot, unable to think on my own and this is why I’m just wandering about with no rhyme or reason and not even enjoying this time where I can define my days to my choosing so I’m not so aimless, bored and frustrated.

 

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